Listen to this post HERE
Today is March fifth. I needed a few days to process my emotions of what was happening in my head before I could write this post. The event happened on the twenty-third of February.
I want to start this off by saying trigger warning for anyone who has problems with alcohol. Also, I am not claiming to be anything other than honest with my personal experience with alcohol and my life. I do not think I know everything and I am not saying my way of doing things is the right way, this is just my experience.
I have been sober for about three years and three months. It has been a journey for me and a rollercoaster of emotions. I haven’t ever been diagnosed with being an alcoholic, but I would classify myself as an alcoholic. By looking up what alcoholism is and knowing how I am with alcohol I would say the label alcoholic accurately describes me.
For me, one day after going to a concert and getting drunk and waking up feeling sick and having to drive home six hours was the breaking point for me. I am not exactly sure why that particular time over other worse experiences was the time it clicked in my head that I had a problem and needed to change my life, but I am grateful that I knew I needed to make a change.
I have so many nights from my life that I don’t remember because of drinking that I sometimes wonder how I even have braincells left. I feel astonished; I feel ashamed; I feel embarrassed of my past actions, and I also try to feel proud of the choices I have made for my life since November 19, 2017, which is the day I got sober.
I am not proud of my past life, but I am proud of who I am becoming every day with the choices I make for myself and my life.
One of those choices was on the twenty-third of February. I came home from an amazingly fun day at work with my little kiddo. We got to do lots of fun activities and I enjoyed every minute of my day. I came home to a house where I feel welcome and safe and where I had two loving parents waiting for me. I had been in contact with all my favorite people through text messages. My day was perfect by any definition, but then something happened.
When I saw myself in the mirror when I got home I saw the devil in my eyes. The devil being my old self, and past Hannah was ready to come out and play. Hannah was telling me it would be fun to cross the line and go back to my old ways. Hannah told me screw the life you have made for yourself and take a walk on the wild side. Who cares if one drink turns into a liter of straight vodka, WHO CARES?!
Well I told myself I care. I do, I do, I do. But then I didn’t and thought what if? What if I just let myself drink for one night. What if I let myself drink and drink and drink until I don’t know which way is up, I can’t stand, and anything that comes out of my mouth is mean? “I know I don’t want that” I told myself and yet I still questioned if that was true.
It took every ounce of energy I had in my body that night to not give in to the temptation of drinking. I couldn’t talk to my parents; I couldn’t text anyone back; taking a shower took twice as long as normal; making and eating dinner felt like the biggest task of my life, and when I finally got in the safety of my nice warm bed I fell asleep quickly.
I woke up scared that I was going to feel the same way again, but luckily I didn’t. I have a small idea of what triggered it, but it wasn’t like I was having a bad day. I didn’t feel like I wanted to run and hide from my life like I used to. I genuinely love my life now so it was really hard for me to think that I almost threw it away.
I know the path that I go down when I drink, and it is one that is dark and scary and leads to bad things. I know that if I go down that road again there’s a good chance that I won’t come back.
It’s scary to think about, but it is true.
I am not sure sometimes how I have made it to today but I am so grateful and I am lucky to have learned what I have learned.
When I started my sobriety journey I never thought I could have such hard days after such a long time of not drinking, but this experience taught me that just because a good deal of time has passed the temptations will vary in strength that is not based on the time that has passed.
So here I am. I am grateful. I am lucky. I am blessed. I am happy for the choice I made on the twenty third day of the second month of the year two thousand twenty-one.
I make the conscious decision daily to not drink alcohol.
Some of you may have a similar story. Some of you may have a different story but also know what it feels like to have that devil inside.
We are all facing our own inner devils.
Please, don’t go dance with the devil.
Until next time,