Alone With My Anxiety

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I want to start this post by saying it is a little look into the way my mind thinks and the way it has been affected by the pandemic. I am perfectly happy and healthy, I do however struggle with my thoughts on occasion. This is sort of a poem/post mashup. It was just how I was feeling and what felt natural to write about. I do not take anxiety as a light topic as it is something that I have dealt with since a very, very young age. If you are struggling with your own anxiety, please reach out for help if you need it. If you feel like you are in immediate danger of harming yourself please call the suicide prevention hotline at 800-273-8255. I am not here to tell you anything other than my experience and what I was thinking for this post.

Alone. This word can have two meanings. You can feel alone, a feeling that is not so welcome and rather sad. You can be alone, this can be good or bad.

I like to be alone, not part of the crowd. I, however, do not want to feel alone.

These things are most contradictory, I understand, but that is how I feel.

I like to do things by myself. I like to figure things out on my own. I will go to someone in my time of need, but most frequently most know not what goes on in my mind.

My mind is a place where things happen.

I feel things in a deep way and sometimes I feel nothing at all. It seems as though I am either drowning or I am in the clouds. My feelings are so intense I feel as though I may explode or I am so numb I question if I am really alive.

A weird thing to think. How can I be alive with no feelings inside. This is just a part of my anxiety I think. I think it is my body protecting me, protecting me from getting hurt.

This pandemic has been weird for me. I have grown as a person and I am grateful for that. I have also been experiencing my anxiety in new ways. My want to stay home has become a norm so will I be scared to venture out when life returns to a new normal? I have always feared germs but now my fears have been heightened. I have washed my hands so much that the skin has genuinely changed. I sometimes wonder if my fingerprints have changed. Someone breathing on someone in a show or getting close freaks me out. I sometimes dream about people not wearing masks and I wake up in a panic.

Have I become manic? The thought makes me panic.

I am no stranger to mania. My high school days consisted of many manic episodes. How many days would I stay up was a joke some found funny.

I have to be doing everything or I need to stop and do nothing. That’s what happens when the anxiety hits.

I can always show up for others but sometimes I struggle to show up for myself.

I remind myself to breathe, to let it all out, to be in the moment and to live without doubt.

My mind is a place where things happen.

I get confused and my thoughts contradict one another so many times a day I sometimes forget which way is up.

Swirling, swooshing, thoughts of doubt, reminiscent of smoke billowing out of a burning building.

It is nauseating, unnerving, strong. Then it’s gone.

Just as water can put out the flames on a burning house, a walk can turn the thoughts of doubt.

I remind myself every day I need to do things for my brain.

The food I eat, water I drink, the way I move, the words I use are all a big part of how I will feel in a day.

I don’t like to share the way I feel for fear that people will think less of me because I have this mind.

My mind is a place where things happen.

I know how to help, how to be reliable, even when my pain is undeniable.

I don’t want to be seen as weak or like I am in need. I don’t want people to think I can’t handle what they have to say or that I could be unreliable.

My mind is a place where things happen.

I remind myself I am not my thoughts. The thoughts where I am so often caught.

My mind is a place where things happen.

I have been learning to let things be; what is going to happen will happen.

Maybe you are like me, and can relate to all this or even just a fraction.

It is okay to think and feel. To not always see things so clear.

Thoughts will come and go but please know you are here, my dear.

You are here for a reason.

Get help if you need help. Talk to friends, family, or a person you trust.

Your life will go on; it must.

Please, trust that you will get through whatever you are going through.

Until next time,

-H

Published by Hannah Opp

My name is Hannah and I am a certified integrative nutrition health coach. I love nature, animals, and going on adventures.

2 thoughts on “Alone With My Anxiety

  1. I can relate to what you write about, Hannah. You said “I have been learning to let things be.” It’s easy to over think things. Is that the same as worrying? It’s good not to worry. Worry is like rust on the blade. It is corrosive.

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