A Letter To You

The other day I was on Instagram and a picture popped up on my fyp (for you page for anyone who doesn’t know what that means) and it really caught my attention.

This is the picture:

This picture really hit me and I was like yeah, true.

Me five years ago would never believe I am who I am if you told her. She would’ve said you are lying and probably cursed you out and then found some sickeningly neon blue vodka to wash away her sorrows.

I am going to talk to you about how I got to a place of being happy where I am, thankful for what I have gone through, and excited for my journey ahead.

First, I need to take you to where I was five years ago and show you a glimpse (I can’t go into detail about the past five years because that would be the length of a novel) of the journey I have been on since January, 2016.

Five years ago I was 19 and in college about to be going on a trip as a nanny to Marco Island, Florida for fifteen days (I had no clue I was going to drop out of college weeks later and realize that I was gay a few months later. This time in my own condo in a place not near family and friends really let me have time to think about my life and what I wanted out of it. Sally, if you are reading this, thanks for trusting me to come on that trip because it truly changed my life. Lord help my soul if I was a fricken lawyer right now.) I was not interested in my classes and most of the time I would drive to campus, get of out of my car, start heading to class, and panic halfway to my classes. I would go back to my car and drive around until my classes were done, so my parents wouldn’t know I was skipping, and listen to music to try to make myself feel better.

I was barely sleeping, watching a lot of tv, drinking a lot, eating things that could be left out for years and wouldn’t look any different, and trying to figure out who I was.

I felt like I was constantly letting myself down, letting my friends down, letting my parents down. The only two things I felt good at were nannying (I have always had a special talent with kids and I love them so much. When I was at work I was always responsible. I was living two lives at this point; party girl and responsible childcare person. Not sure how I managed this but I really did.) and being a disappointment.

I felt like I knew everything and also nothing. I was cocky but not confident. I was searching for likes on social media to feel better about myself. I knew I didn’t want the future I was going to school for, but I didn’t know that I could make my life look any different. I wanted it all to end. (I just went back to look at pictures from that time and it brought me down a rabbit hole of pictures I am not proud of and left me thinking “Who is she??!!! I do not know that person. Is that really me?”) That is the one thing I was sure of.

When I was at this point in my life really the only way to go was up, yet, I continued on with this lifestyle and fell a bit deeper into partying until just after I turned 21. That’s when something clicked in my brain and I was finally ready for a change. I got sober. From there I went vegan to further help my body become healthier and that snowballed into other decisions that led to the betterment of myself.

Over the last five years I have learned to say no. I have started to do things for myself. I found work that makes me happy. I got an education for something I find important. I started to share my story online. I have practiced being more patient and understanding (still a work in progress because sometimes I am quick to react to things). I have worked on being more vulnerable. I started actually moving my body for health benefits and not to torture it. I have changed who I surround myself with. I started getting rid of many objects in my life and began living more minimally.

In the past five years I have learned and done many things but the biggest life lesson I have learned is you need to love yourself. You come first. There is only one you and you only get one life. Treat yourself right; treat your body right; do what you want to do; wear what you want to wear, and never never never apologize for being you.

I have done things over the past five year I never thought I would do. I never could’ve imagined I would be where I am today and I have grown a lot but it did not happen overnight. It happened one step at a time with patience.

Every journey begins with one step.

I am grateful for the last five years, proud of where I am, and excited to see where I will be in five years. I know I have lots of learning to do.

You are on your own journey, and if you feel like your journey is about to begin I encourage you to take that first step.

Until next time,


Published by Hannah

My name is Hannah. I love nature, animals, and going on adventures. Come along for the ride.

4 thoughts on “A Letter To You

  1. Hannah, you continue to amaze me. You are so young, but you share some powerful experiences with us, and your take on how these experiences have affected your life. Thank you for sharing!!!

    Liked by 2 people

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